Health + Beauty

Walk Before You Run

[This post was originally published on my old blog]


I’ve been working on this post for over a week now, and I just keep editing myself into not writing. I want this blog to be a place that is positive and uplifting, but right now all I’m feeling is angry and discouraged. I don’t want to censor myself into being fake, but I also don’t want people thinking every post is going to be filled with ‘woe is me’ and ‘I’m so mad at myself’ talk. But here it is. This is me, right now. I am angry at myself. I am feeling discouraged. I don’t know what else to do except write it out, and move on.

Last week I went for a run. And by run, I mean walk. And by walk, I mean stroll. And I was frustrated the entire 3+ miles.

It was sunny, warm and beautiful (yay!) so it really was a lovely walk, but it wasn’t supposed to be a ‘walk.’ I’m doing the C25K Challenge and I was supposed to be alternating 90 seconds of walking with 3 minutes of running but that day my legs were acting as if I’d never run a single step before in my entire life. My lower legs were tight and burning, I felt like my ankles wouldn’t bend, and my legs just felt heavy. Actually, I just felt heavy. I hate feeling heavy.

My brain tells me I can do anything I want, and without fail I believe it until I physically take that first step to run. Every.Single.Time. I don’t know where the disconnect is, but my brain thinks I’m already an athlete. Too bad I’m an athlete trapped in a fat suit. It’s great my brain is so far ahead of my body, except that as soon as my body reminds my brain that I’m still “too fat to do this,” I turn into depressed-angry-girl-who-wants-to-just-give-up-and-stay-fat-because-I-clearly-am-not-an-athlete. Because that’s obviously the best way to get my body to catch up to my brain.

I haven’t worked out since then, which is self-sabotage at it’s finest. Or maybe I needed this time to do a lot of self reflection. I’m that person who thinks she can do anything she puts her mind too. The problem is that I think I can do anything I put my mind to right now.

Tomorrow I should be able to run a marathon.
Tomorrow I should be on pointe shoes.
Tomorrow I should be able to speak Danish.
Tomorrow I should lose 50 lbs by doing 5 push-ups and a 2 mile walk.

I don’t know that I’ve always been this way, but I do know that I lost a lot of my 20’s to depression and anxiety and I feel like I need to make up all the lost time in one fell swoop. Like NOW. I am a very patient person most of the time, but for some things, I don’t like waiting. I don’t enjoy the process of getting to where I want to be. I just want to be there, and I want to be perfect and awesome and inspiring {and thin and beautiful and athletic} is that so much to ask for?!

I guess my point is I need to learn to trust the process, follow the steps, and walk before I run. I’m not a quitter. Sometimes I wish I was, but I’m not. If you tell me I can’t do something {that I want to do}, I’m going to prove you wrong. I guess this goes for my inner critic too. So I don’t like this process of losing weight and learning to be a runner… but I’m gonna do it anyway, if only to prove to myself that I can.

Do you ever get frustrated with the process of learning something new?
What do you do to push through and keep going?

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