I’m in a very good mood today and it could be because of any of the following:
- the Fall weather with clear blue skies, colorful leaves, and crisp air
- Busy Season at my work is technically officially over (there’s always something else, but right now I choose to believe there is smooth sailing in front of me for the rest of the year!)
- My work group went bowling yesterday to celebrate promotions: YAY FOR ALEX AND ME!
- Yesterday was my Birthday
- We ate delicious Birthday cake at work today
- I got more owl stuff to hoard … uh… I mean … collect and use and wear. :)
- My physical therapy for my car accident is finally done!
- I have a 5 day Staycation coming up
- I’m feeling more motivated than I have the last few months (… funny side note: I initially wrote ‘medicated’ …)
- I have lunch, and movie, and coffee dates planned with several different friends that I haven’t seen in a long time (Birthdays on Facebook are a good time to reconnect with people!)
- I’ve been taking my Vitamin D
So this post really started a few days ago when I was being very hard on myself and feeling very overwhelmed and completely stressed out. I was going through all my goals and plans for the year and beating myself up for basically being no further today than I was at the beginning of the year, or rather, being back to where I started at the beginning of this year. I was feeling like a complete ‘weight loss/fitness blogger’ fraud and wondering if any of this is really worth it since I’m failing so publicly (a very special hello to everyone who reads this who knows me in real life) and I never write or vlog with any consistency.
Then my very angry bully came out to play and it was all over.
- You’ll never lose weight
- You’ll never get out of debt
- You’ll never be a published writer
- You’ll never get married
- Why did you sign up for 3 conferences next year? You’ll still be the fat girl.
- Your apartment’s a mess
- You dress sloppy
- You don’t have a muffin top, you have a pound cake
- Your hair is disgusting. Why don’t you get it cut like you’ve been talking about for weeks?
- Why don’t you ever do anything you say you’re going too?
And then I told her she was being a b*tch and took her picture…
I was going to write an angry blog post and demand that we all light up the torches and stop the bully within at any cost!! (insert about 50 exclamation points HERE) But then I took my usual couple of days to think it over, and realized calling her names and trying to destroy her wasn’t going to help anything because, you know, she’s me.
She also tells me everything will be okay. That I’m stronger than I think. That I can can do this… whatever this is. She also tells me that the bully in the mirror sometimes just needs a big hug whether she likes it or not because she’s working through some stuff too. :)
I don’t have some epic solution to keeping the self-bullying side of myself at bay forever, but right now, today, I choose to focus on the positives: Birthday cake, Vitamin D, vacations, Fall weather, and people who believe in me even when I’m not quite there yet.
Give your Inner-Bully a hug today, then go for a walk and jump in some crunchy leaves. I promise it’ll make you feel better.