Life + Faith

Me, Myself, and I

 I’m in a very good mood today and it could be because of any of the following:

  • the Fall weather with clear blue skies, colorful leaves, and crisp air
  • Busy Season at my work is technically officially over (there’s always something else, but right now I choose to believe there is smooth sailing in front of me for the rest of the year!)
  • My work group went bowling yesterday to celebrate promotions: YAY FOR ALEX AND ME!
  • Yesterday was my Birthday
  • We ate delicious Birthday cake at work today
  • I got more owl stuff to hoard … uh… I mean … collect and use and wear. :)
  • My physical therapy for my car accident is finally done!
  • I have a 5 day Staycation coming up
  • I’m feeling more motivated than I have the last few months (… funny side note: I initially wrote ‘medicated’ …)
  • I have lunch, and movie, and coffee dates planned with several different friends that I haven’t seen in a long time (Birthdays on Facebook are a good time to reconnect with people!)
  • I’ve been taking my Vitamin D

So this post really started a few days ago when I was being very hard on myself and feeling very overwhelmed and completely stressed out. I was going through all my goals and plans for the year and beating myself up for basically being no further today than I was at the beginning of the year, or rather, being back to where I started at the beginning of this year. I was feeling like a complete ‘weight loss/fitness blogger’ fraud and wondering if any of this is really worth it since I’m failing so publicly (a very special hello to everyone who reads this who knows me in real life) and I never write or vlog with any consistency.

Then my very angry bully came out to play and it was all over.

  • You’ll never lose weight
  • You’ll never get out of debt
  • You’ll never be a published writer
  • You’ll never get married
  • Why did you sign up for 3 conferences next year? You’ll still be the fat girl.
  • Your apartment’s a mess
  • You dress sloppy
  • You don’t have a muffin top, you have a pound cake
  • Your hair is disgusting. Why don’t you get it cut like you’ve been talking about for weeks?
  • Why don’t you ever do anything you say you’re going too?

And then I told her she was being a b*tch and took her picture…

 
My biggest bully

I was going to write an angry blog post and demand that we all light up the torches and stop the bully within at any cost!! (insert about 50 exclamation points HERE) But then I took my usual couple of days to think it over, and realized calling her names and trying to destroy her wasn’t going to help anything because, you know, she’s me.

She also tells me everything will be okay. That I’m stronger than I think. That I can can do this… whatever this is. She also tells me that the bully in the mirror sometimes just needs a big hug whether she likes it or not because she’s working through some stuff too. :)

I don’t have some epic solution to keeping the self-bullying side of myself at bay forever, but right now, today, I choose to focus on the positives: Birthday cake, Vitamin D, vacations, Fall weather, and people who believe in me even when I’m not quite there yet.

Give your Inner-Bully a hug today, then go for a walk and jump in some crunchy leaves. I promise it’ll make you feel better.

 

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6 Comments

  • Reply Patty October 18, 2012 at 7:13 am

    I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been there. I swear sometimes I am my own worse enemy and it’s not just with weight loss decisions it’s with everything. I found that now I can tell myself, “Stop this negative way of thinking and let’s see what happens.” I don’t force myself to find a solution right at that moment but I do get myself to stop the self-bullying…I love that term. You could not have said it better in this post. Just remember you are not alone. We all feel this way sometimes and its great that we learn to reign those thoughts in. Love this post!

  • Reply Lisa October 18, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Happy belated birthday!

    The bully monologue you wrote out was all the things I used to say to myself. What helped me? Seeing the weight loss progress. Actually seeing the results on the scale boosted my self-esteem so much! I finally felt like I WASN’T failing and the things I want were possible. Make a list of all the things you’ve accomplished and let yourself be happy about them! :)

  • Reply Tara @WorthEveryOunce October 18, 2012 at 11:10 am

    You are an amazing woman. You have gifts that stretch over miles. You are courageous. I love what Christopher Robin says to Pooh:
    There is something you must always REMEMBER:
    You are BRAVER thak you beieve,
    STRONGER than you seem, and
    SMARTER than you think.

    Be gentle with yourself. It is easier said than done, I know. Make little changes day by day. Measure non scale victories. Did you brighten someones day today? Did you do something that scares you? Did you park far from the building and walk. Did you drink your water? Did you forgive yourself when you slipped up? Buy a new bra!! Eat a new fruit. Something….little things that start us moving in the right direction. The scale will work itself out.

    Happy Birthday!!! You are an amazing woman and I am grateful to share this journey with you!!
    Tara @WorthEveryOunce

  • Reply Sunday Link Love {10.21.12} | Enjoying This Life October 21, 2012 at 5:21 pm

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  • Reply Yvonne October 21, 2012 at 10:15 pm

    Here’s why I love reading blogs… I come across a post via someone elses Twitter…. I start to read… and then I’m like…. OMG… YES… I COULDN’T OF SAID IT BETTER. It is such a common theme… fighting ourselves…. your post made me smile, smack my forehead, hold my fist in the air and shake it… and send you a giant thank you hug!

  • Reply Holly from 300 Pounds Down October 25, 2012 at 4:21 am

    I think our bullies could get together for a playdate because they seem to have a lot in common!! They might even be using the same scripts! I have often thought I had multiple personalities and a few of them are MEAN! I really relate to this post and I think probably everyone in the world can too!

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