There’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, and I guess I just need to write it out, or it might consume me.
I find myself using the word ‘scared’ a lot lately. I really want to try that, but I’m scared… That looks like so much fun, but I’m scared… That’s on my bucket list, but I’m scared… I really want this for myself, but I’m scared…
I’m scared of everything, and that’s really hard for me to admit. I’m used to being the strong one who puts on a brave face for everyone to see.
I’m scared of failure and success.
I’m scared reality isn’t as great as the scenario I’ve created in my head.
I’m scared I’ll be overweight forever. I’m scared nothing with change once I do lose weight.
I’m scared of being stuck in an unfulfilling job (sorry coworkers who read this… I heart working with you, but it’s not a job I want to be doing for the rest of my life) but I’m also scared of taking the steps necessary to get myself to a place I want to be career wise.
I’m scared I’ve made all the wrong decisions in life, and I’m scared this is actually the path I was supposed to take.
I’m scared I’ll never measure up to my own expectations, let alone anyone else’s. I’m scared of letting others down, but I’m also scared of not following my own passions.
I’m scared that if people really knew me, they wouldn’t like me, but I’m also scared that no one will ever truly know me.
I feel stuck between a rock and a scary place, and that’s scary too.
I’m also scared (aka terrified) of being eaten alive by wild animals while hiking in the woods, but that’s an entirely different blog post.
This could explain the funk I’ve been in the past few days and I think it started when a blog friend posted a music video on Facebook, ‘Wild Ones’ by Flow Rida, featuring Sia. I am musically obsessed with Sia’s chorus/hook, and because I am also obsessed with choreography , I spent a few hours (time flies) on YouTube looking for different hip-hop choreography for this song. Oddly, it’s very popular for country line dancing. Interesting.
Anyway, watching all the dance videos just reminded me that I haven’t danced (except Zumba) in almost a year because I’m scared. Have you wondered why I don’t talk more about dancing when DANCE is the first word in my blog name? No? Well, you should.
When I was taking adult dance classes last year I was usually one of the best dancers in the class despite my weight. The classes were mostly people who had never danced before or who just loved to dance and those things are fantastic, but I started to feel like I wanted something more challenging. I wanted to get better and I felt like I couldn’t do that if I was always at the top. There is something to be said for comparing yourself to others who can do something better than you.
There’s a local adult drop-in dance studio that I have admired from afar for a while, because while it tries to cater to all levels (from beginner to pro), it is consistently filled with trained dancers. Dancers who are better than me. Dancers who would challenge me. Dancers who have, or are trying to make dance their career. So on a whim last November, I purchased a half-price year-long unlimited class pass.
It is now six months later, and I have yet to step foot in that studio, because I am terrified of all of the unknowns, and all of the possibilities, and all of the ‘what-ifs’ and I’m frozen by fear. I have a stomach ache just writing about it. I still plan to go, but I talk myself out of it EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
It’s a wonder I’m capable of getting out of bed in the morning.
There’s also something else that I’ve been scared to talk about to more than a couple close friends:
I’ve had this idea for the past couple years about how to capture my weight loss progress in something other than regular before and after photos. At first I wanted to take a photo everyday in a slightly different dance pose, then string them all together in a kind-of stop motion weight loss / dance video… but then I realized that would be a lot of photos and a lot of time and a lot of planning, and OMG THE PRESSURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then I decided I would just video myself dancing the same choreography throughout my weight loss, then edit those videos together into one dance video (like J.Lo’s Kohl’s music video where she’s doing the same choreography, but her clothes change … I had the idea before this video, but that’s what it would look like).
Then I decided it was all stupid and too much work and I don’t know how to make it work logistically anyway and I don’t want to ask anyone about it because everyone will probably think it’s a stupid idea and just laugh at me for it and it probably won’t be as good as I envision it to be in my head anyway. (Yes, I think in run on sentences…)
Then I started watching dance choreography videos again, and I realized I really, REALLY want to make this happen and I’ll be incredibly sad and full of regret if I get to my goal weight and have nothing to show for it except for regular before and after photos.
This is what I am truly afraid of: that my creative ideas and goals will go unfinished and unfulfilled because I have let my anxiety and insecurities win.
And after all of that, I don’t really know where I wanted to go with this post. I think I just needed to get it out of my head, so if you’re still reading this, thanks for sticking with me.
Do you have any advice? Encouragement? Words of wisdom? Video editing knowledge? The perfect song for a weight loss dance before/after video? Choreography skills?